I didn't tell...

I didn't realise I haven't posted anything here since October of last year, so it's been ten months. Many things have happened since then, but today, a lot of things have been going through my mind...so much that it actually tired me out. I'm listening to Jay Chou's Kai Bu Liao Kou (Can't Open My Mouth). It has a really nice tune to it...and while I do not fully understand the lyrics but it seemed to sum up the emotions in my heart now. I hope anyone who will get hurt do not ever visit this page, but I really do need a release. Perhaps it's an after-effect from watching the World Badminton Championships, or perhaps it was something that has been in my mind all this while, but it is now resurfacing, like the lava on dormant Mount Fuji. These past two days I've come to a resolution that I will marry only a girl from Japan, Korea or China. But preferably Japan. I will set that as my goal and work hard towards it...gaining all the necessary qualities that a man can get to give his wife a comfortable life, and I want it to be a girl to be from either of these three countries. I've always have a soft spot for sweet looking Japanese girls. Seeing Shiota Reiko in flesh at the stadium and on TV, and looking at her pictures just made me wonder if I could marry her or someone like her. And then the memories from 2002-2003 come flooding back... She has not replied to my e-mails for a few years now. But I suspect she is still utilising the e-mail account. I just wonder why she isn't bothered to reply me anymore. I like to talk about her, even now, even my mum noticed that previously. All the nice warm lovey feelings I had for her, feelings that I myself wasn't matured enough to dare develop at that time, they were re-emerging today, after having been dormant for so long. I've related stories to several friends about the things she did for me. The praises for my Japanese writing, written by her in a teacher's red ink, with cute drawings to boot. She offering me a cough syrup candy at a time when I was coughing real badly in class (till this day I'm not sure if she did it purposely for me or was it because she found my coughing irritating the whole class! I hope it's the former). She asking me when would I like to get married, when we were all alone in a classroom (this is a major issue for me, from her). She offering to cook for my farewell party before I left for the UK (they were the only ones who cared enough to do a party for me, and she cared enough to cook - "Tai hen, demo Keith san kara, daijoubu..."). She telling me that she would love to stay in KL if she could find "someone" when we were all alone in my car (I was wondering if I could be the one, I did, sensei, I swear...). She asking me if I would still continue being in her class after I registered for Mandarin classes, but I ignored her, only to reassure her later that I would. I wish she had followed me to the airport on the night of my departure to the UK, just so she could meet the rest of my family, but she said something came up (sensei, moshi sensei watashi ni isyouni ku kou e ittara, watashi wa sensei ni zettai oshiemasu). She inviting me to her class the first time I came home from the UK, and I can still remember the smile on her face when she saw me. She came out personally to bring me in. She calling me and telling me she loves the dog doll I bought her. She writing me an e-mail telling me she's feeling sad because she felt "small", and me consoling her...I swear I would've hugged her immediately if I was next to her. If you've read all the above expressions, would you, like some of my friends, think she had feelings for me too? This "she" wasn't Shiota Reiko, but Watanabe Noriko...my Japanese teacher. Someone who meant the world to me a few years ago, and judging by today, perhaps she still means the world to me. Demo, ima sensei wa doko ni imasu ka?? Sensei wa genki desu ka? Doushite watashi no e-mail reply shimasen desu ka? I miss her so much. I wonder if she's happily married, probably with kids, in Japan now. I just need her to respond to me once more. Jay Chou's song is bringing me all these blues, but somehow this masochistic streak in me is forcing me to listen to it over and over. Kai bu liao kou rang ta zhi dao... A year and a half of inactivity from me and I might live to regret having lost her forever. Has she been dropping hints all that while? Did she have feelings for me too? Why did Hayashi sensei tell me she has resigned and will be returning to Japan soon and told me to call her, was Hayashi sensei giving me a huge tip that I failed to act upon? This rain falling outside isn't helping my emotions...I never thought that afternoon in April 2003, when she shut my car door and left for her apartment, will be the last time I saw her.

I thought I was over her long ago already. But Reiko's appearance, or rather me going to watch her, is suddenly bringing back all these bitter sweet memories I have with Noriko-chan. They're sweet memories on their own, but my failure to act more decisively on them is making them a bit bitter. I know the number 012 329 9057 has another occupant now, but I still like calling that number once in a while. The red Kancil with the number WFR 9717 is also gone now. And her dyed blond hair. And her fair pinkish skin. And her three-quarter pants. And the first time I attended her class. And how she liked her "Hai, mou ichido!"

Try, even if you failed, at least you know you tried.

I didn't...and I'm tearing.

God, can you give me just one more chance? To be with her or someone like her? She appeared a little too early for me, but she could have been mine, I believe. Let me know if I was wrong...will she ever return to my life...if only to reply an e-mail?