The beast in me...
Most people I know would tell you I look like a real good and kind person, and that they would not associate things like tattoos or clubbing or fighting or maybe even hair dyeing to my name.
They just don't know me enough yet. I'm nowhere as good as what people think. I'm bad tempered, and I can be downright cold and unaffectionate.
What matters most however, is not my temper or my at times loose morals. It is the fact that I can turn into a complete person when someone, occasionally through a very simple annoying act, presses all the hot buttons in my soul and cuts my brain fuse.
The last time this almost happened was just two days ago. I just finished my insurance meeting with my colleagues, at the extremely shabby building in the middle of KL which is Wisma Central, and I was getting my car out of the car park. The parking fee was an expensive RM10 per entry, which already slightly irritated me in the morning, but never mind that.
I drove to the parking booth and stopped, where I saw this small green button outside the booth window which I used to press to lift the bar gate to allow me exit (the system was such that since you've paid your fees upon entry, you don't need an attendant to grant you exit, you simply press that button when you're at the booth).
So this time I did the same, pressed the button, but they must've changed the regulations because the gate didn't open. So I just waited. Then the attendant turned to me, and with a dreadfully arrogant look on his face, asked: "Kenapa you tekan?!"
That look on his face and the three words were enough to make me feel like turning into the monster I know is within me. Let me explain. The anger I felt is a sort of a cold, deliberate anger which I do not think everyone is capable of feeling. It makes you want to literally crack his head open and punch all his teeth out, but at the same time, you do not feel any emotion, except how to hurt him most.
You do not feel pain, and the "count to 10 and cool down" method doesn't work. Nothing seems to be able to stop it.
I shot back in a low but menacing voice, and a look to go with: "Kenapa tak boleh tekan?"
He turned away, and his face, while still hatefully scornful, revealed a hint of a look that probably says: "Okay, I can't bully this guy."
He then did his work of scanning my car from his booth and opened the gate for me, all in all taking about 20 seconds. I could've had plenty of time to cool down, but all I had in my mind was throwing the parking ticket I was holding to his face. If we were to meet on the street, he would have ended up lying on the ground with blood on his face. But I tried, tried VERY HARD to control myself.
In the end, I just threw the ticket at his window and drove off, but not without showing a finger to his face.
This was just not me. It is that someone else in my body which haven't shown himself in a long, long while. "He" doesn't show up often, thank God, but when "he" did show up, "he" always ended up doing something I regret. Something uncharacteristic. Something violent, like almost breaking a friend's arm. Something madly strong, like hauling someone who is taller than me to the ground with one wave of the arm.
It's unlike normal anger or frustration, where you do feel like scolding someone but not really meaning to hurt him. This is diabolical. I do not wish for it to happen again. And though I did nothing wrong at the car park that day, it almost did...
They just don't know me enough yet. I'm nowhere as good as what people think. I'm bad tempered, and I can be downright cold and unaffectionate.
What matters most however, is not my temper or my at times loose morals. It is the fact that I can turn into a complete person when someone, occasionally through a very simple annoying act, presses all the hot buttons in my soul and cuts my brain fuse.
The last time this almost happened was just two days ago. I just finished my insurance meeting with my colleagues, at the extremely shabby building in the middle of KL which is Wisma Central, and I was getting my car out of the car park. The parking fee was an expensive RM10 per entry, which already slightly irritated me in the morning, but never mind that.
I drove to the parking booth and stopped, where I saw this small green button outside the booth window which I used to press to lift the bar gate to allow me exit (the system was such that since you've paid your fees upon entry, you don't need an attendant to grant you exit, you simply press that button when you're at the booth).
So this time I did the same, pressed the button, but they must've changed the regulations because the gate didn't open. So I just waited. Then the attendant turned to me, and with a dreadfully arrogant look on his face, asked: "Kenapa you tekan?!"
That look on his face and the three words were enough to make me feel like turning into the monster I know is within me. Let me explain. The anger I felt is a sort of a cold, deliberate anger which I do not think everyone is capable of feeling. It makes you want to literally crack his head open and punch all his teeth out, but at the same time, you do not feel any emotion, except how to hurt him most.
You do not feel pain, and the "count to 10 and cool down" method doesn't work. Nothing seems to be able to stop it.
I shot back in a low but menacing voice, and a look to go with: "Kenapa tak boleh tekan?"
He turned away, and his face, while still hatefully scornful, revealed a hint of a look that probably says: "Okay, I can't bully this guy."
He then did his work of scanning my car from his booth and opened the gate for me, all in all taking about 20 seconds. I could've had plenty of time to cool down, but all I had in my mind was throwing the parking ticket I was holding to his face. If we were to meet on the street, he would have ended up lying on the ground with blood on his face. But I tried, tried VERY HARD to control myself.
In the end, I just threw the ticket at his window and drove off, but not without showing a finger to his face.
This was just not me. It is that someone else in my body which haven't shown himself in a long, long while. "He" doesn't show up often, thank God, but when "he" did show up, "he" always ended up doing something I regret. Something uncharacteristic. Something violent, like almost breaking a friend's arm. Something madly strong, like hauling someone who is taller than me to the ground with one wave of the arm.
It's unlike normal anger or frustration, where you do feel like scolding someone but not really meaning to hurt him. This is diabolical. I do not wish for it to happen again. And though I did nothing wrong at the car park that day, it almost did...
posted by Keith at 7:41 AM
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